One more step

First of all I'd like to just acknowledge that readership of this blog has dwindled to a handful; and I can't say that I'm surprised.. after all, there haven't been many exciting adventures to write about for some time.. But thanks to those that do still check in once in a while.. you're probably just in time for my once-in-a-while-posts..

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If you know me, then chances are you probably know my long-time companion: cigarettes. It's been just about half of my life now that I've been a cigarette smoker, and I must say that up until recently, I truly enjoyed smoking... of course I did, I'm an addict. Cigarettes have been a part of my life since the all important identity-forming adolescent years, which is why I think I'm having such a hard time separating the identity factors from the chemical addiction ones, and relinquishing myself from both of them.
Yep, today is the day. It seems so cliche to quit smoking on the first of the year.. I almost feel like I've joined the plethora of people who have made the same resolution, only to negate their promises by lighting up a few days later.. Or like the millions who have resolved to "lose weight", or eat "right", most of whom will probably be snacking on Little Debbies before the month's end.
This time is different for me though, and even with only 8 hours or so under my belt, I can taste my nicotine-free success as literally as the peppered tingle of my Nicorette. 15 years is long enough to be a smoker, and I'm finally, honestly ready to be free from chemical dependence. While it's true I've traveled down this path before, and every time with honest intentions, there has not been an attempt as final-feeling as this.


There are, of course, many health reasons to give up smoking cigarettes.. the list could go on forever: lung cancer, throat cancer, tongue cancer, heart disease, emphysema, etc. etc.. But those "scare" tactics don't work on smokers. The chemical addiction to nicotine has the power to easily brainwash us all into believing we're invincible.. "that won't happen to me.. I'll quit before I get to that point.." .. or something like that. I think 15 years is long enough.

The list of other reasons to stop is far longer than just the health factors, but I think they're pretty obvious and need no commentary from me. The important thing for me this time around is that I've finally begun to look at the reasons why I DO smoke instead to the reasons I "should" quit. This way of thinking was actually a seed planted by Tiny during my stay at the Kickstand Lodge in 2006 who, wanting to be freed from the "slavery", had stopped smoking the year before. "I didn't want to be a slave anymore", he said, "and I'm not going to let a cigarette control my life".
It's easy to brush off outsiders' lectures on your smoking habits, but considering my level of respect for Tiny and his wife Ruth, something about his philosophy stuck. I thought about it for a while, and even gave quitting another try once I got to Seattle in 2007. But the trouble was, I wasn't completely sold on the idea; I had no real motivation to make it stick.
And so, I forgot about it again for a while.

As the past couple of years have past, I have started to notice the effects of smoking more and more, and over the last few months, had really started to look forward to freeing myself from those feelings. But more importantly, I've payed particular attention to the effects it has on my daily life; the results of addiction, and I've suddenly begun to truly understand what it was that Tiny was saying.

As an addict, the most important thing is carefully orchestrating the things, people, and events in your life so as to support and enable the feeding of your addiction.

And that, my friends, is pretty unsettling when you actually start to dissect and realize what that means. It's no different than the heroin junky who knocks off the 711 clerk for the couple hundred bucks in the cash drawer; just to feed his addiction. I've seen examples of this type of behavior unfold in my own life.. granted my methods have all been legal and certainly a bit more moral, but disturbing nonetheless. I've avoided social situations with non-smokers out of anxiety that I wouldn't be able to smoke while in their company. I've avoided doing things that I probably would have enjoyed out of fear that they would prohibit me from getting my fix. I've feared international travel out of the anxiety of flying for a long period of time. I've experienced anxiety over the fact that I only have two cigarettes left and I'm not sure when or how I can get more.. or worse, have run out completely and disregarded everything else in the pursuit for replenishing my stash.

The really funny thing is that while smokers fear the process of quitting, the anxiety felt by a quitting smoker is no different than that which they feel every time they want a cigarette.. multiple times every day. The only difference being, as a smoker, we give in to the anxiety immediately & smoke to feed the craving; thus starting the cycle all over again... and that's the very same feeling that we're all so afraid of.. and the same feeling that I've grown to loathe.
I am no longer interested in feeling that anxiety all those times every day, or making sacrifices in my life, or wasting time and energy even thinking about the next opportunity at which I can have a smoke. I, too, am not interested in being a "slave" any longer.

Besides, the KLR is a pretty small bike and packing space is at a premium.. how could I possibly pack enough smokes to get me through 6 months in South America?! And even if I could, would I throw away some once-in-a-lifetime opportunities just to slip out the back door for a smoke?

I don't think I'll take that chance.

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(If you smoke and are ready, learn more about Allen Carr and his methods of stopping smoking.)